How Couples Can Divide Dog-Care Responsibilities

So your relationship is going well, and you’ve decided to grow your family; you’re getting a dog. Congratulations! 

But the reality of having a dog isn’t all belly rubs—someone has to take Fido for a walk, even when the weather stinks. Someone has to pick up the poop. And regardless of how busy you get at the office, your dog still needs food, attention, and training. The work that goes into providing this care can be a source of conflict for couples and families. As such, it’s in your best interest to plan for it before you bring a dog home. Here’s how to do it right.

Decide whose job is whose

Before you get a dog, envision how they’ll fit into your lives. While unexpected situations will inevitably come up, the very act of planning will help everyone responsible for the dog’s care understand what they’re in for.

Dr. Miriam Jayaratna—a clinical psychologist, writer, and corgi co-parent in New York City—says that a couple bringing a dog into their home should be as specific as possible about how they’re going to handle responsibilities before their new family member arrives. This means listing tasks and deciding who will do what, when. “By having both people agree about the division of responsibilities up front,” she says, “you can prevent a lot of disagreements and misunderstandings down the road.”

A fair division of responsibilities doesn’t have to mean splitting everything up equally. You can also take into account what work is agreeable to each of you. Yuruani Olguin, a dog trainer in New York City, says: “If one of you is a night owl [and] the other one is a morning person, you can split up the duties that way… maybe one of you works from home, and so [without a commute] you have more time to dedicate to dog care.”

“The ‘whoever gets to it first, does it’ category works well for small tasks that require minimal time and effort,” Dr. Jayaratna says, “like preparing the dog’s food or giving them medication.” Just make sure that these tasks do get done, and that you mark off when they do (so that your dog isn’t getting zero or two dinners instead of the one they need).

Consider your dog’s feelings

It might be obvious, but one way dog-related chores are different from many others in a household is that your dog—unlike, say, a pile of laundry or an overflowing trash can—has feelings.

Dr. Stanley Coren, Professor Emeritus at the University of British Columbia, says that, in his experience, dog-care responsibilities don’t break down equally. “Within families, generally speaking, there is a principal caregiver,” he says. And while everyone should pitch in, it’s crucial that the person performing each task be happy with what they’re doing—especially if they’re interacting with the dog. Dogs are sensitive creatures who are adept at picking up on our moods.

“If you get a grumpy person who’s been assigned a task, and it’s burdensome for them, then the dog is going to sense that,” says Dr. Coren. “There’s lots of data that says dogs are very sensitive to our emotional states—and, if that’s the case, the dog is going to think that the mood change may have been due to something they did. And that can start to weaken the bond. So it has to be somebody volunteering to step in and take responsibility.”

So, by all means, do your part. But don’t do it through gritted teeth.

The good news here is that enthusiastic, kind caregiving can strengthen the bond between a person and a dog; Dr. Coren has seen it happen in his own family. When his dog Ranger—a Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever—recently required wound care after an injury, Dr. Coren’s reduced mobility required his wife to take on some of those responsibilities even though he usually handles the bulk of the dog-related chores. “Now that he’s fully healed,” says Dr. Coren of Ranger, “his bond with her has increased.”

Be a team

It’s beneficial to know who’s supposed to do what, but try not to be too rigid if someone’s having a tough day.

“Once you have the rules,” Dr. Jayaratna says, “you can break them. If you see that your partner is exhausted or overwhelmed, offer to take their dog duties temporarily.” This won’t work if someone is taking advantage—but, generally speaking, being generous with your partner is a good bet for household harmony.

If you’re the one who needs a hand, communicate. “Sending a simple text like, ‘I’m going to be home late from work—If you’re around, could you feed the dog?’, rather than just assuming the other person will do it in your absence, can go a long way,” says Dr. Jayaratna.

If you have kids, be realistic

Adults—most of them, at least—can be expected to keep their promises related to dog care. Kids are unlikely to be so reliable.

Dr. Jayartna acknowledges it’s a cliche that children will promise to take care of a dog… and then quickly lose interest. “It’s a cliché for a reason!”, she says. “Children’s brains are not developed enough to be able to predict long-term consequences, so in some ways they’re unreliable narrators about their own future behavior.”

Still, there is a place for children on the dog-caretaking committee. “I would recommend thinking of caring for a pet as a way to teach your child things like responsibility, compassion, and teamwork,” Dr. Jayaratna says, “rather than a way to minimize your own workload. Give children responsibilities that are developmentally appropriate.”

Olguin agrees. “I think it’s great, depending on the age of the child,” she says, “to incorporate simple tasks like feeding or filling up water bowls, and to create responsibility and more empathy towards the dog.”

You should always supervise children and dogs when they’re together, and it’s a bad idea to give your kids too much responsibility too fast. Dr. Jayaratna remembers seeing two children—a brother and a sister who were 11 or 12 years old—chase a dog down a busy New Jersey street a few years ago. “When I finally caught it and returned it to the kids,” she says, “[the sister] said her brother had been trying to train the dog to walk without a leash. It was… ultimately the fault of the absent adult in the family who had given those kids responsibilities beyond what they could handle.”

If you’re fighting, don’t be afraid to seek help

If you find that you and your partner can’t work out your differences about dog care, you might want to consider meeting with a third party like a couples therapist. “It’s possible,” says Dr. Jayaratna, “that the disagreement is more of an interpersonal issue that’s indicative of bigger problems in the relationship. Some clues that this is the case include if the arguments start to involve more global accusations (e.g., ‘You didn’t take the dog out again! Why are you so lazy?’), or if there are parallels between the dog-related disagreements and other conflicts between the partners.”

Enjoy your partner and your dog!

We’ve talked a lot about the possible pitfalls of caring for a dog as a couple or a family, but there’s a reason so many households have dogs: It’s rewarding, and, yes, often fun. The dog may even show you a new side of your human loved ones.

Dr. Jayaratna loves how her husband handles one of his dog-related chores: brushing their corgi’s teeth. “He has established a ritual,” she says, “that entails giving the dog a full-body massage before and after (‘to create a positive association with the teeth brushing’). This is such a generous act of love, way above and beyond what I’d ever expect of him; watching it happen fills me with love for both him and the dog!”

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